INFORMATION & SUPPORT

Life Issues

Channeling anger and aggression

 

We all have had moments when we stormed off from somewhere just because we were angry, and that is natural. Although it is necessary to know how tp channel both, anger and aggression.

Anger is an emotion, an important one at that, it helps us understand our sense of moral, or right or wrong, of things we can bypass and things that get us knotted.

But just like that, anger is fleeting in nature, a couple of hours, a couple of days and that’s the extent of it. However it takes an unsavory turn if anger turns into a continuous state of mind, and action, by dictionary that is known as aggression.

The main distinction between anger and aggression is the perpetual state of mind, the resulting action and that the latter hurts and distances people around.

To quell anger all one has to do is be calm, easier said than done obviously, but achievable, the best way is to involve oneself in whatever makes them feel good, it can be a long walk in a garden, a visit to a temple or listening to some songs.

Anger is a form of expression, but it is vital to recognize what makes us feel that way:

1. Frustration

2. Embarrassment

3. Shame

4. Feeling of unfairness/ injustice

5. Pressure

Anger morphs into aggression, when it affects your daily routine, and results into actions and reactions. Anger becomes a problem when:

1. It is hard to control or ignore.

2. It is almost a continuous state of mind.

3. A continuous feeling of sadness

4. A distinct withdrawal from friends and family.

5. Inability or refusal to open up

To ensure that it doesn’t happen, one must de-code what puts them in that situation, the why’s and the how’s. Believe and you will overcome it all.

Bullying and its repercussions

Bullying is a word we all are familiar with, thanks to the infinite number of shows and movies and yet we miss out on how important it is to understand how and why it happens and its repercussions. It is the need of the hour hold discussions on bullying, to gather knowledge about it and also ensure that none of our known-ones, neither suffer from it nor bully themselves.

Bullying is a behavior seen across the world, however it is true that many a times it is either ignored or romanticized. By definition, bullying is a repeated aggressive behavior. It is not fun or mere teasing or playing around.

It often happens when one has or believes that they have leverage over others, it can be age, numbers, popularity etc. Bullying can happen anywhere, playgrounds, schools, colleges, offices and even online, what is now known as cyber bullying.

The major forms of bullying are:

1. Verbal bullying- abusing someone, threatening or humiliating someone

2. Physical bullying- intentionally pushing, bumping or breaking someone’s things

3. Social bullying- spreading rumors, back-talking, exclusion

4. Cyber-bullying- Abusing, threatening and shaming someone on social media sites

Bullying is not normal. It isn’t a part and parcel of growing up. It creates fear. It is harmful, both physically and emotionally. It isn’t something to brush under the carpet.

Bullying is terribly upsetting for those who go through it. It causes:

  • Feeling of being unsafe

  • Being dejected

  • Lack of energy

  • Feeling of being alone

  • Being ashamed

  • Being angry

  • Lack of attention/ concentration

 

 Sometimes, people often believe all the bad things said about them, which compels them to try and change their appearance, behavior etc. Being bullied can seriously affect academic performances and can also have long-lasting effects.

 

People who experience bullying might carry a lot of baggage into their adulthood which increases the risk of suffering from depression and anxiety or even make one suicidal. The repercussions of bullying grow greater if it is ignored or is made to be a minor issue by family and friends.

 

It is imperative to mention the few effective solutions for tackling bullies and the effects:

 

1. Say no to self-berating:

It is not your fault; whatever is hurled at you isn’t justifiable by that statement. Never be ashamed of yourself. You are amazing.

 

2. Maintain your calm:

Yes, it is harder than it sounds. But maintaining a calm mindset will ensure that no fear or discomfort is experienced.

 

3. A newer perspective:

A bully is obviously troubled and miserable; let not those feelings take precedence for you.

 

4. Manage stress:

Adopting a few techniques to adapt and control overbearing stress will always help, it’s good to practice breathing techniques, muscle relaxation etc. The bullied often feel that they’re going through it all alone, which is why, it is good to cultivate positive relationships and reach out when needed.

Braving Adolescence

Adolescence is often termed as a tricky age and rightfully so, not only is the adolescents go through multitude of bodily and emotional changes but they also lack the support they deserve.

Adolescence is a unique time, various changes in varied degrees along with an unending energy, which is why it is ideal to be aware about it all. Understanding the developments that shape an adolescent’s behavior will make one feel more prepared.

Psychological changes:

Young people experience a variety of psychological developments which are reflected in their behavior. They are on a quest to find out more about themselves. They are willing to take risks and face challenges, but often without thinking about the consequences.

It is necessary to give them the space they need but also to look out for any kind of strange or nervous behavior.

Cognitive changes:

Major cognitive development happens in adolescence, between the ages of 12 to 18, when complex thinking starts. The rate with which it happens is unique to every person. Adolescents develop their own opinions and perceptions. They ability to make decisions increases.

They have an understanding of prioritizing and also slowly get adept at planning things. An adult during this time must assist them and not dictate, build their trust and leave the ultimate decision to them.

Emotional changes:

Adolescents go through a lot of emotional turmoil, caused by both hormones and by trying to keep pace of their own development, which is why most adolescents experience mood-swings i.e. frequent fluctuation of emotions. They can instantly go from irritated to angry to crying in a matter of minutes.

While they do learn to manage their emotions they continue to need support.

Social changes:

Like said before, every child is different and so is their adolescence, and also the way it all manifests in behavior. Young people may experience a buzz for outdoorsy activities or prefer to spend their time reading and anything in between. Young people rely less on parents and family but more on friends.

It is during this time, that attraction and sexual needs develop, which further creates an identity of their own with the awareness of right and wrong.

 

Physical changes:

The most visible and known of all changes are the physical changes. The changing of body is easy to spot and signifies that other developments are happening too. This is also the time when adolescents grow concerned about their appearance. The appearance of acne, hair and sweatiness creates minor anxiety. The development of sexual organs makes them aware of their physical attributes.

Physical change also alters the sleep patterns, their sleep needs and so on.

 

Any person going through such vast alterations need support and understanding. And it should be provided without crossing the line of intervention.

Nurturing healthy relationships

We all strive to be a part of positive and beautiful relationships.  It brings joy, contentment and connection to our lives.

Relationships come in varied forms and there is no specific definition of what a relationship should be like. However the best relationship is one that is healthy.

Healthy relationships aren’t the same for everyone, because people in themselves are different, they have different emotions and temperaments, values and needs. There are though some key factors of a healthy, flourishing relationship like- good communication, mutual respect and support, sense of safety and security.

 

Healthy relationships require time and effort. The hallmarks of a healthy relationship are:

1. Constant communication-

 Partner in healthy relationships share everything with each other, their successes and failures, problems and achievements and everything else. An open and honest communication nurtures the relationship.

Some pointers for effective communication:

-Partners must listen without judgements.

- A difference of opinion must be handled in a mature way. Disagreeing and asserting both should be done with respect.

 

2. Trust-

Trust is ideal to a safe and secure relationship. They are no secrets. And you aren’t plagued by the thoughts of your partner cheating on you or lie.

Trust means being comfortable with your partner, for both physical and emotional safety.

 

3. Equality-

Partners treating each other as equals will create a stronger bond and support. Equality in a relationship means that both people are open to trying and adjusting, willing to do an equal give and take, and also respecting each other’s choices, needs, interests and boundaries.

 

4. Paying attention to yourself-

While a relationship is anchored on two pillars i.e the partners, it is equally important to take care of your own health and well-being, only then can one contribute in a fulfilling way.

Looking after one-self helps cope with stress and anxiety. Some of the most practiced methods or techniques are spending time with friends and family, eating well, exercising regularly and having enough sleep.

Grief and mental health

Loss is universal but not permanent.

Grief happens when you lose someone near to you or important to you. It is not necessary for it to be a person you know personally, it can be a singer or a writer, or some distant relative who has always sent you birthday gifts.

Grief is a part of life. There’s no one who hasn’t lost someone, however we all face it at our own pace and in our own different ways.

Everyone experiences grief differently, some busy themselves to an exhausting degree and some hardly get out of their beds. However, it is best to remember that you are your own person and how you deal with anything doesn’t need to be determined by any standards or comparisons.

A grieving person can experience an onslaught of feelings and emotions like:

1. Shock

2. Disbelief

3. Anxiety

4. Insecurity

5. Abandonment

6. Longing etc.

Let’s be real, it gets overwhelming, the surge of desolation or the weird indifference and numbness, but at the end of the day, it all makes sense and is indeed normal.

The stress of mind is often reflected in physical problems like sleep problems, overeating or under-eating, unexplained fatigue, body-aches, headaches etc.

Although it will seem like you’ve been feeling troubled or disinterested for too long, it is wise to remember that everybody needs their own specific time period, the grief won’t be permanent, and nor will the pain. Hold on!

Grief is often crushing but it ends too. However one must not indulge in intoxicants like alcohol or drugs, it will lighten the issue temporarily but will only lead to further problems like conflicts, fights and further relationship issues.

 

What to do?

Sometimes the way out of grief starts with doing simple things like eating good and necessary amount of food; being hydrated and practicing a proper sleep routine.

Although most people face a kind of guilt, it is beneficial to go out and experience life again. It is okay to have fun again, and you should give permission to yourself for that.

Find out what works out for you, if it is dancing, painting, photography, sports or reading.

And the most important thing, be easy on yourself, having lost someone is hard and painful. It is good to remember them and have a good cry. And it is equally important to value your life and have fun.

How Do I get help?

Grief is often overwhelming, adjusting to a routine without your loved one or in presence of common places or things, which is why it is important to seek presence of friends and relatives and confide in them.

One can also get in touch with online services like ehavoc or access our group chats.

But if you’ve been experiencing grief for more than 6 months, then please feel free to contact us.

Parental separation and its effects

Parental separation is stressing and often confusing, figuring out the- ifs and the whys and staying up trying to conjure solutions has its own toll. Every family is different and separation happens due to varied issues. Your parents might’ve been together for a long time or a while or there might be some third person or just plain old differences.

It is important to realize and remember that parental separation is due to you or your siblings.

In this hard time, there are things to do and people who can support you. Life might not be the same immediately, but it can be with proper management and guidance.

 

How it might feel for you:

Parental separation will obviously be emotionally overwhelming and stressful. One will feel angry, hurt, frustrated, confused, guilty and also isolated and betrayed. If the lack of warmth between parents was present afore the separation then you must feel relief yet nevertheless it will be emotionally and physically challenging time.

With time the issues and confusion lessens and young people adapt around it. However sometimes support is needed to ease way into the newer situation of life.

- Avoiding interactions or social events

- Loss of appetite or over-eating

- Disinterest in hobbies or daily routine

- Mood swings

- Indulgence in drugs and alcohol

- Constant worrying and tension

How to help yourself?

Parental separation is hard and adjusting to changes does get challenging however there are things one can do to help themselves.

The ideal thing is to have a nice calm talk with your parents, either one of the one you share a closer bond with, understanding their reasons will help clear out some of the confusion. It is also helpful to figure out living arrangements, expenses, social and educational life together.

It is of course understandable and true that they might not have figured out everything themselves, yet it is important to be vocal and discuss things that affect you.

It’s better to discuss your concerns with them and come up with solutions instead of letting issues build up.

Engage with others:

It is beneficial and helpful to take support from others like:

- your best-friend or close group friends will listen to you

- Your school/college counsellor, who can help you manage studies and the stress

- other family members that are neutral or you’re close with

- Professional institutions and people like havoc therapy can help one manage the multitude of changes and feelings

 

Apart from all this, it is most important to take care of your own self. It includes doing things you love, eating healthy, following your routines, limiting negative people or environments etc.

For more help and support, access our online helpline and portals.

Gender Identity

 

Gender identity is defined as someone’s personal sense of being attributed to a gender or identifying with a gender. It is not defined by the biological features or physical features.

Traditionally, gender has been classified into two broad dimensions- male and female but it is now widely recognized that gender is not so plain.

There is multiple gender identities, a person can identify with a gender that isn’t consistent or at par with their biologically assigned sex-

For example,

- one can recognize yourself as being neither male or female particularly-

- being assigned as female at birth but identifying as a male

- being assigned as male at birth but identifying as female

And so on.

Gender identity is a result of discovering of self- likes and dislikes; comfortableness and awkward things etc. People are constantly evolving in their gender identities too, and the gender identity sphere is diversifying day by day.

However, the amounting trans-phobia and resultant discrimination has made everyone wry of revealing or pursuing their identity.

It goes unsaid that the society is being educated to this paradigm but total acceptance will take a while. Till then, all the prejudice may make people experience anxiety, panic, depression, self-harm and suicide.

Signs that it is affecting your mental health:

1. Being uncomfortable around people

2. Feeling ‘different’ from people around you

3. Experiencing trans-phobic bullying or harassment, either verbal or physical

4. Anxious due to lack of support or understanding

5. Unexplained pressure to deny feelings or identity

6. Fear of being judged, isolated or rejected

This pressure along-with that of school, college or job can be extremely stressful and negatively affect relationships and endeavours.

It can cause mood swings, change in behavior and appetite patterns, difficulty in sleeping and vice-versa; it can also push towards self-harm which is why it is vital to seek help.

A person can unburden their fears or seek help through a trusted friend, relative, teacher etc. One has to remember that they aren’t alone and many people are struggling with their identities and its expression and the repercussions, however there are people who can support and help too.

Relationship flags you mustn’t miss

Everyone enters a relationship with parts of their pasts and hopes for future. So how is one to know that the relationship is indeed enriching and fulfilling their life?

 Understandably, a relationship is constituted by various thoughts and behaviors.  Some of them are normal, or are reactions or opinions but how to differentiate? So here are a few green and red flags one must know about-

Just like on traffic signal- green means go, here too, green is a positive sign to continue. Some green flags are:

1. The partner is emotionally available and doesn’t shy away from expressing their vulnerable emotions.

2. The partner makes you feel safe and secure both physically and mentally.

3. There is a balance of independence and interdependence in between the partners.

4. The partner doesn’t hesitate in owning up to mistakes and offers genuine apologies.

5. The partner works to establish solid foundations of trust, honesty and respect.

6. There is healthy validation for efforts, actions and feelings.

7. There is positive communication.

Not over relationship can be rewarding and lead to an altar, more often than not it tends to get heavy on one partner, these bad, dismissive and abusive behaviours can be recognized in time. This behavior is known as red flag or signal.  

If a person notices behavior that is termed as a red flag than it means stop, abort or exit. Some of the red flags are:

1. If the partner has quick, sudden shift in moods.

2. If the partner attempts to control your life and decisions.

3. If the partner tries and distances you from your friends and family.

4. The partner engages in psychological, emotional and physical abuse.

5. The partner doesn’t compromise or isn’t willing to adjust in any way or for any reason.

6. The partner often engages in behavior that diminishes or tries to diminish the other person’s worth.

7. There aren’t any healthy boundaries.

8. There are big communication gaps.

 

People who have experienced such traumatizing relationships often tend to be insecure and totally dependent; they seek a lot of validation and have anxiety issues.

If one knows someone going through the same issues, it is vital to engage with them positively, uplift their self-view through family and friends and contact professional help if they’re recurring troubles or behavior like self-harm, panic attacks etc.

 If you’re in such a relationship and seek help and resources, feel free to contact our havoc helpline.

Relationships and breakups

Breakups are normal and so is healing.

Relationships are an integral part of our life, and having a romantic partner is pretty common but it doesn’t always end in roses and chocolates and that’s a harsh truth. Relationship breakups happen for varied range of reasons; it can be a communication gap, a difference in opinion or plain loss of interest, and all of it is natural.

What isn’t natural is the unhealthy spirals a breakup leads one into.

Relationship breakups are difficult and it is okay to feel sad, angry, or neglected, everyone does.

However, one needs to priorities self-care. You can do things that make you relaxed and happy.  Hanging out with friends, going for cinemas or shows, eating healthy food, having good 8 hours of sleep or just indulging in uninterrupted reading can make things easier to handle.

Post break-up many people experience different sentiments, like guilt, anger, lonely, rejected, sadness and sometimes even relief and peace.                 

Some people feel extremely dejected and feel that nothing good may happen ever again. Many people feel restless, lonely, loss of self, lose appetite or sleep and even concentration.

Some things to help after a break-up:

1. Make some space for yourself- It’s healthy to avoid your ex-partner for a while. Things can get cordial later on but avoiding for the time being will help focus on oneself.

2. Talk to friends and family. Spend time with them.

3. Take care of your own self- like watching a movie, listening to music, painting, doing meditation, or playing a sport.

4. Try not to be pulled towards temporary relief like alcohols or drug, the after-effects are usually worse and bring a lot of pain. 

5. Give it time. Time to cope. Time to understand. Time to heal.

6. Try to eat good food. Get a full sleep. And exercise.

 

Talk to our experts. We are always ready to listen.